I could have said hi

Today I had my science exam, which went pretty well. right now, I am outside tanning, since that’s the best way I can use up this beautiful weather. I love summer. I absolutely love it. I love everything about it, I guess. I mean, I just want there to be a little change. Summer romances sound fun, and so do bonfires by the beach. Parties sound awesome, too. That’s what I want this summer, a little change. I don’t like change all that much, but I feel the need to take risks. We don’t live on this planet forever, so we might as well take some risks and have tons of fun. It’s better to regret the chances taken then regretting the chances not taken. Summer 2014, I am ready to take risks and bear the changes.

Last night, I had a crazy dream – about Jamie. So we were camping or something with my religion class on Lake Ontario, and I had a tent to myself. It was time to make s’mores, and Jamie sort of knocked on the tent to see if I was coming. The problem was I was in my towel because I just had a shower (don’t worry, I’m questioning what I dream about, too). So, Jamie asked if he could come in, while he was unzipping the tent. At that same moment, I was getting dressed. So, I quickly grabbed the towel and let Jamie in. He just sort of stared at me, and then asked if I wanted to get s’mores with him. I stopped and looked at him, and (this is really weird I don’t know why I did this) said, “Jamie, I know I am really quiet around you but that’s only because I really like you. I always have this feeling that whenever I say something you are going to judge me, so I prefer to keep my mouth shut. I know I’m not the most outgoing person or the prettiest person you know, but I seriously really do like you. I mean, this is really awkward and stupid, but I’m sorry for acting so far away from you, when all I wanted to do was stay near you. I love how you can always bring a smile to my face, and I’m personally in love with your personality. So yeah, I do like you, and sorry for giving you mixed signals this past semester.” After that, he just stared at me and we got s’mores. The dream skipped to a few days later when we are at school, and I saw Jamie in the hallway. He was looking at me, but I didn’t look at him. I felt doubts and fears and things whenever he looked at me, because I wanted to know what he was thinking for once. But he never did. I was stupid though, because I should have said hi to him, at least. Even friends say hi to each other. I was really sad when I woke up, partly because I wish I did tell Jamie my feelings for him, and because I didn’t say hi after availing my inner most thoughts to him.

Physically and mentally numb

No I don’t want to live. I don’t enjoy having the haunting voice in the back of my head give me a daily reminder of how I could do better, but what’s the point? There’s no need to do better when you’re suicidal and a mess like me. I don’t need others to motivate me. They already have, and proved my point on the fact that once you’re suicidal or anorexic, you’ll never change. You’re always depressed. I miss the “old me”. You know, I used to get the best marks in school and everything. But it was also anorexic at the time, meaning people talked behind my back about getting me help, but no one came up to me and offered help. I was alone and lost and ugly and skinny and fat all at the same time. I got depressed and uninterested in everything I used to like doing – I stopped being organized, I wasn’t meeting my goals at my full potential, I wasn’t doing anything right. And I’m still not doing anything right. I regret my life and being here I wanna be dead I hate my life so much. My mom and sister fight every day and I fucking hate my sister so much for making my hardworking and loving mother feel like absolute shit every single fucking day. I feel numb now a days. I mean, the sort of numb were the only thing you can feel is sadness. I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care. I’ve been reminded that I’m a stupid fucking dumbass while I was trying to study. Like I know, you don’t need to remind me. I know I’m not good enough and I know I’m fucking awkward and I know no one really likes me and I know I’m an introvert and I wanna kill myself for so many reasons – I know. I don’t wanna be here for the dipshits in my generation either, where they make fun of cutting, yet they tell others not to point out others scars. People are fucking retards and I hate this society. It’s really been a pain dreaming of a better body every day and walking around sucking in my stomach because I’m self-conscious about my body. It sucks. I don’t want it to suck anymore. I never did. I just want one day where I can literally release all of my sadness and experience happiness (sounds like I wanna do drugs, but no I don’t). I feel like I know I would never kill myself, but I can’t live anymore. I’m drowning, and you’re all pointing and laughing and mocking me. Yes, I see I’m fucking stupid and a horrible being, but the last thing you can do to me is point out my flaws. You don’t think I stare at them in the mirror for hours wishing I looked better, or just was a better person? I fucking know my flaws. I’m just depressed.

Unsure

Today was the last day of school – but I still have to do exams until this upcoming Monday. I should be studying for my visual arts exam (yes, there is an exam for visual arts, and it sucks), but my mind is in the midst of unraveling my unknown and depressed feelings. 

First-period (visual arts), I had to present my painting, based off of a quote we chose from this pile of quotes about God (I go to a Catholic high school). Anyways, right when my teacher said,”Alright Natalie,” the fire alarm cut her off. I was thanking the Lord for that delay, because I was still to tired to mumble a presentation. Second-period (Science),we did nothing. So, I sat with my friend, Makeba, and her group of friends, while she told us about her boyfriend (since we were just hearing that she has a boyfriend). Third-period (History), we also did nothing. I’m so happy I sit beside one of my best friends, Kamila, because all we were doing all period was listening and watching high school musical songs all period (by the way, if you’re in a bad mood, watch the video for “Bet On It”. Literally had me in tears). And finally, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, fourth-period (Religion with Jamie). Today was odd. I mean, when I walked into the class, I was the only girl and there were only three guys, not including Jamie. I wanted to skip that class, but I skipped third-period yesterday, and my mother was a bit salted that I didn’t notify her that I skipped. Anyways, I felt like shit – sitting in a class for an hour and fifteen minutes with guys that have never heard of deodorant. But, when I thought I was going to suffer my death in the class, Jamie finally walks in. He makes me happy, he honestly makes me so happy. The problem is, when I feel that way, I tense up and let out an uncertain laugh. I turn red around him, and I feel self-conscious. To be completely honest, he isn’t the best looking – so many people have told me that after I’ve told them my feelings for Jamie – and he is a pothead, but I don’t think I care about those things. I absolutely adore his personality and the fact that he’s so outgoing. That’s the reason he gets so many girls, because of his amazing personality. It’s sad though, because he sat in class and he was like, “I’m only here to do my science exam review” (he always tells me he cannot focus on homework at home, so if anything is done, it was done at school). I wanted to talk to him, but there was a boring movie on about some robot man that started with the word, “Centennial”. It was brutal. Good thing I bring my earphones each day to every single class. Anyways, I truly wanted to talk to him, but I always have a fear that I will embarrass myself, and I will never know what to start a conversation about. I tried to start a conversation, by saying, “It doesn’t even feel like the last day of grade ten”. Which he replied to, saying, “I know, it feels like there’s still like a month left.” Then I didn’t know what to say, so I just put the earphone back in my ear. I was dreaming of him giving me a hug the entire time – then I thought about reality, and knew I wouldn’t be getting one from him anytime soon. I think he does like another girl, so I didn’t even say bye to him when I left. I know,that was pretty rude. I mean, even if we’re friends I should always say bye. But I didn’t, because I was afraid. I’m the worst person with guys. I really am. They get uninterested in me quickly, because I truly have no idea how to make our “soon-to-be-relationship” go any further. Yes boys, all girls like hugs. And food. And notes or texts. But how do I show Jamie that I’m interested? How do I tell him I want a relationship with him if I’m so afraid, and he’s going to think I’m insane? I’m just a really unsure person who needs answers.

It’s unknown and forgotten by now

My problem is that I forget things. Now I understand that it’s apart of human nature to naturally lose memories and such, though I literally cannot remember a dangerous amount of things. I’m pretty sure this is due to the hours I spend awake at 12 am instead of being asleep, but there are also many other reasons that I’m not aware of. One day, coming home from who-knows-where (a prime example of how good my memory is), my mom asked me a question to do with remembering a street, and I could not get myself to remember it. You know that feeling you get when you try remembering something and after a while the memory slowly – but surely – revives itself in your mind? Well half the time I say, “I don’t know” or, “I don’t remember”, I’m using those phrases in literal terms, because I don’t get that “feeling” anymore, meaning I lost or discarded the memory. I find it sad, really. When my mom asked about the street, I didn’t get that feeling, and my eyes started tearing up. I thought I lost my memory so fast, since I’m still in grade ten. I mean, no person my age is in the midst of having a memory loss dilemma, except me. I find that this also stresses the fact that I don’t agree with change. I mean, when I can control it, I don’t mind it, like rearranging the furniture and things in my room. But when I can’t control it, like memory loss, I feel unlike myself and truly alone. It’s a strange world.

&& I wanna take a risk

So apparently, next year, my school is doing a Europe Trip which costs $3000. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD GET WITH $3000 (knowing me, I would probably use all the money on sweet potato fries, sushi, and a ferret)? Anyways, I really want to go. Some girl who has visual arts with me is going and she wants me to come too, but I mean, my mom would have to pay for that trip because I’ve seriously been struggling to find a job for this summer. Also, my mom just paid $1000 for the New York trip with the school, so the Europe Trip is an obvious “no”.

On a brighter note, I see my plans for getting a flat stomach some-what working out. You see, I try to run everyday for ten minutes, and I’ve been doing that for a couple of days. I’m gonna try and fit biking each day for a couple of minutes into that daily routine, just for the physical benefit of it. I actually love eating healthier, too. It doesn’t make me feel bloated or anything, and I just feel cleaner and better. I’m still hoping to reach my goal of getting a flat stomach before July. 

In two days, I have my first exam. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME, SCHOOL? I didn’t even start studying yet for any of my exams, but I’ll try my best anyways on the exams. To be honest, I’m only nervous for the Science exam, because this semester I have exams for Visual Art (Wednesday), Science (Thursday), History (Friday), and Religion (the following Monday). I’m just excited for summer and completing as many goals as I can, especially taking risks and stepping out of my comfort zone.

This upcoming weekend, I am going to the Arctic Monkeys concert with two of my friends. I. Am. So. Excited! Like I still need to buy an outfit or something, and I still need to like get prepared. After the concert, we are supposed to sleepover at one of my friends’ house (I still need to ask my mom to see if I can sleep over), and try things, like shots of alcohol (maybe), and this thing called a “Ouija board”, where you call spirits to earth or something – I’m not entirely sure. But, it’s going to be scary and fun and so… risky… I need a little risk in my life, and personally, I think everyone does. 

I’m excited to take a risk, for once.